I looked at my own cervix.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
