I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
