This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
