Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
