I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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