make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
