I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
