I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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