I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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