last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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