Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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