So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
