I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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