My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
