Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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