Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
