Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
