Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
