So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
