So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
