He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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