I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
