How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
