if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
