so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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