I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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