My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
