i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Two words: nipple clamps
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