My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
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