Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
