she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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