his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
