This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
