he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
