Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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