we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
