girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
