last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
