my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
