She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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