she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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