we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
