The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
