I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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