Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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