My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
