I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
