When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Two words: blizzard sex
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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