Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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