I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
