hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
