I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
