i love accidental penises.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
