:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
