you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
